Feeling Guilty For Our Son After Emergency Hysterectomy – Amanda’s Story

I’m 27 years old, been with my husband for almost 11 years, married 2 1/2 years. My waters broke 4 weeks early with our first child,while I was walking in the hallway of our house. We rushed to the hospital, obviously found out we were in labor! We were soooo excited! Well after a slow start, then 20 hours later pushing for 3 hours, then they decided to do a c-section. After a few minutest short of 24 hours!

We had our son, they wheeled me back into the room, then pumped my stomach and blood was gushing out. The nurse yelled for the doctor, a whole team came rushing in. Then I saw my doctor talking to my husband and he starts balling, crying. I just knew I was going to die. I asked the nurses, doctors, my husband and they all said no I wasn’t, but I knew it was a lie.

They were wheeling me back and had my parents there telling me how much they loved me. I found out later I had a team of 12 working on me, and I just remember everyone I saw was either crying or had tears in their eyes. I begged them not to switch the oxygen to gas, because I knew I wasn’t coming back. I was expected not to live. Then I woke up to see my husband and felt such shock and relief. Then the doctor decided to tell me after having my first child, to save my life they had to do a hysterectomy.

I was upset, but didn’t fully understand the impact. The doctor was crying and I told her I knew she only did it because she had to. In total I had to receive 9 liters of blood, 2 platelets, and a few other things I can’t even remember. They stuck me all over my body to do the blood transfusions, luckily was able to stick me in my neck. I was so swollen they couldn’t get to any veins. I had a central port in my neck

I don’t remember the first 3 days of his life, I was in the hospital for a week. I was able to hold him on his 4th day, and feed him on the 5th. All of our closest family got to hold him before i did.

When I got home I had to deal with my incision being infected , and then internal infections. My mom took off of work and stayed with us the first 5 wks. I took off work 12 weeks. And I am so so sad. I wanted to have at least 2 kids. I know I’m lucky to have one child, I know this. But it still doesn’t stop the pain I feel. I didn’t want to hold my son when we got home because I felt so guilty. And now to top it off, I’m having tons of drama with my mother in law. She wanted to visit all the time and I was ignoring everyone because I was so depressed. And she just doesn’t care, so it’s caused horrible fights between my husband and I.

He’s not a hateful person, but has been so hateful to me during my darkest time. I’ve been so depressed, and he cares , but not like he should. He’s so hateful towards me, i don’t know if I can forgive him. I forgave him the first time he was just nasty and hateful, and then more bs with his mom started and he was hateful again. I wasn’t the nicest person, but I’m going through A LOT. It is literally a miracle I’m alive. I feel as if he wasn’t there when I’ve been so depressed, when I needed him. I don’t know how to forgive that. I just feel that they think I should be over what happened, when I’ve only just begun to really realize it.


in my own words book coverNow available on our online store and all other online book store’s. In My Own Words: Women’s Experience of Hysterectomy is full of many other real-life stories from women the world over.

Other people’s stories help women feel less isolated. They show that they aren’t going mad, missing the point or stupid.

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