The fight never stops – Joanne’s Story

I had a long history of gynae problems and therefore am very lucky to have three beautiful daughters. My husband and I decided we wouldn’t have anymore children, as we didn’t want our existing children to be put on or not have everything we could give them. Then, when our youngest was 6 and I’d had the mirena coil fitted for four years, I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was so shocked and obviously all the weeks following that, I was a nightmare. Emotions all over the place. I decided throwing myself straight into work thinking it would help, to pretend nothing had happened. My relationship with my husband and children was distance, as I felt like a failure.
From then on, I felt that having a baby would be the only way to deal with my pain ( pure sadness). A long story short, I talked my husband into trying for a baby, obviously I was up against lots of problems, ovarian tube removed, endometriosis, lack of ovulation etc, but I fell pregnant a year later.

By 9 weeks I had a miscarriage, after many tests to ensure all was well. My husband by this point was keen to have a baby. We left natural to take its course and a year later, I fell pregnant. Yet again I had a miscarriage, at 11 weeks this time.

During the course of all this heart ache, my husband and I talked and tried to spur each other on and keep our children close. We realised the hard way, that they too needed to be kept informed (in a child friendly manner), to stop them worrying and to try and understand why I or their dad was upset at times.
That was eighteen months ago, and we both decided we can’t put ourselves or a children through this sadness anymore, so no more babies! In theory this was fine and in daily life I tried to ignore situations where babies were about, but it was difficult. I continued to tell myself how lucky I was to have my family, and that’s how I tried to get back to normal.

In May this year, 2014, I’d been suffering with unbearable pain, I don t usually let any pain stop me, but this was so intense, all the time. I’d rather of given birth to 100 babies, at least I’d have something to show for it. After many scans, tests, laparoscopy, biopsies and procedures and being heavily drugged, with high doses of Morphine etc ( I don’t usually take paracetamols, never mind controlled drugs). I was told that I was one of the 70% of woman who experience lower abdominal pain, where a cause can not be found? I couldn’t believe it!! No explanation for the amount of debilitating pain I was in. So, finally I’d undertaken all my consultant had asked of me, I was allowed to be elected for a hysterectomy, as I’ve always thought the pain was from my uterus.

My husband had been with me to every appointment and we both talked about what was going to happen, surgically, emotionally and how everyday life was going to have to be organised (getting girls to school, clubs, housework done, meals made etc) and how we ( I ) needed to communicate my feelings.
It’s been 3 weeks and 5 days since my complete, abdominal hysterectomy. During the first week, I felt post operative pain, but so alive and ready to be well, apart from the sickness, but even that was better than I had felt for months. I was up and about within 2/3 days, getting a drinks, poodling around the house, tidying up light things.

By week 2, I’d tried to taper down from all the drugged I d been on, (Unfortunately I can’t just come straight off them, which is extremely frustrating). I felt tired and drained. My great ideas of going for longer walks didn’t happen bar once. I had visitors, but couldn’t be bothered to make conversations, just sleep. I continued to try and keep mobile round the house and build up what I could do without lifting.

By week 3, my sleeping during the day lessened and my ability to have energy started to increase. My scar seems to be healed over, although it does ache and feel tight when I do go for walks. My husband, has run himself raggerd, all this time and I’m not a great patient. I hate to not do anything, or to see him so tired. But he’s asking if I can drive not, will I ask the doctor etc.

I’ve started to feel like I’m letting him down, I probably could drive but I d rather leave it a week. Getting back to work is always on my mind, as I’ve been off since May and the pressure is on from them, which is completely understandable. I’m worrying about intercourse, although I’d rather wait at least another week, is that long enough? I know my husband would worry about hurting me, which is why we haven’t had intercourse for nearly six months.

All these doubts and worries are starting to get on top of me. I don’t feel I can express myself properly and when I try to, my husbands shuts me off. I’m beginning to get anxious, that he’s contacting people, perhaps for sex. Although, really, he doesn’t have anytime to fit it in. I guess I’m just insecure about being attractive after everything that’s gone on. He has been asked to go abroad for work for a week with work, which does happen occasionally, but I feel it’s to meet someone, however he d probably just like the break away to sleep.

I know I should have it out with him, but I think it’ll make him think I don’t appreciate him or what he has done, all this time. I’m sad there’ll be no babies anymore, I’m sad I’m overweight, I’m sad my girls are so grown up. Self pity is an ugly thing! I’m sure it ll pass, but I just need a hug to know it’ll be alright. A magic wand to make sure the pain won’t return, and to get life back to a healthy normal. One day perhaps!!

Hopefully week 4 will be better, now that I’m 35! Good luck everyone, keep fighting. X

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